In both my personal and business life, negative people or employees can hurt you and your business. Some people are negative because they grew up that way and see the world through those lenses. Other people are negative because they found their “po me” rants get them attention or get other people to do the work for them. For others its a way to control other people.
A negative employee can poison the “well” of your good employees minds if your not careful and if you run a sales commission business, it can be a killer. In business and life they drag everyone down to suffer with them at their lazy level. Its easier to be a armchair quarterback pointing out what others do wrong than to actually go work it. When you bring someone into your life or hire them, their mental states in how they deal with problems is a key factor that can determine your success with them. Celestine of Lifehack.org wrote a really great Post I’d like to share with my readers. I hope this will inspire you:
“1) Don’t get into an argument
One of the most important things I learned is not to debate with a negative person. A negative person likely has very staunch views and isn’t going to change that just because of what you said. Whatever you say, he/she can find 10 different reasons to back up his/her viewpoint. The discussion will just swirl into more negativity, and you pull yourself down in the process. You can give constructive comments, and if the person rebutts with no signs of backing down, don’t engage further. (Chris Voss point: Opinions are like butts, everyones got one. If theirs is negative, waste your airtime on something constructive elsewhere. Arguing is work, I’d rather go build something. No ones ever saved the world arguing on the Opinion page.)
2) Empathize with them
Have you ever been annoyed by something before, then have someone tell you to “relax”? How did you feel? Did you relax as the person suggested or did you feel even more worked up?
From my experience, people who are negative (or upset for that matter) benefit more from an empathetic ear than suggestions/solutions on what he/she should do. By helping them to address their emotions, the solutions will automatically come to them (it’s always been inside them anyway). (Chris Voss point: This is good but recognize if the “po me” becomes their main pattern of relationship with you. At that point you either have to get real with them or ignore them. I’ll usually put it right out to them: “You know your always so negative with me and I’m really tired of it.” Let them know to change.)
3) Lend a helping hand
Some people complain as a way of crying for help. They may not be conscious of it though, so their comments come across as complaints rather than requests. Take the onus to lend a helping hand. Just a simple “Are you okay?” or “Is there anything I can do to help you?” can do wonders.
4) Stick to light topics
Some negative people are triggered by certain topics. Take for example: One of my friends sinks into a self-victimizing mode whenever we talk about his work. No matter what I say (or don’t say), he’ll keep complaining once we talk about work.
Our 1st instinct with negative people should be to help bring them to a more positive place (i.e. steps #2 and #3). But if it’s apparent the person is stuck in his/her negativity, the unhappiness may be too deeply rooted to address in a one-off conversation, or for you to help him/her unravel it. Bring in a new topic to lighten the mood. Simple things like new movies, daily occurrences, common friends, make for light conversation. Keep it to areas the person feels positive towards.
5) Ignore the negative comments
One way to help the negative person “get it” is to ignore the negative comments. If he/she goes into a negative swirl, ignore or give a simple “I see” or “Ok” reply. On the other hand, when he/she is being positive, reply in affirmation and enthusiasm. Do this often and soon he/she will know positivity pays off. He/she will adjust to be more positive accordingly. (Chris Voss point: This is a great deflector to diffuse their negativity. Reward positive output, make negative less rewarding.)
6) Praise the person for the positive things
Negative people aren’t just negative to others. They’re also negative to themselves. If you already feel negative around them, imagine how they must feel all the time. What are the things the person is good at? What do you like about the person? Recognize the positive things and praise him/her for it. He/she will be surprised at first and might reject the compliment, but on the inside he/she will feel positive about it. That’s the first seed of positivity you’re planting in him/her and it’ll bloom in the long-term.
7) Hang out in 3’s or more people
Having someone else in the conversation works wonders in easing the load. In a 1-1 communication, all the negativity will be directed towards you. With someone else in the conversation, you don’t have to bear the full brunt of the negativity. This way you can focus more on doing steps #1 (Empathizing) and #2 (Helping the person).
8 ) Be responsible for your reaction
Whether the person is negative or not, ultimately you’re the one who is perceiving the person is negative. When you recognize that, actually the negativity is the product of your lens. Take responsibility for your perceptions. For every trait, you can interpret it in a positive and a negative manner. Learn to see the goodness of the person than the negative. It may be tough initially, but once you cultivate the skill, it becomes second nature.
9) Reduce contact with them / Avoid them
If all else fails, reduce contact with them or avoid them altogether. If it’s a good friend, let him/her know of the severity of the issue and work it out where possible. It’s not healthy to spend too much time with people who drain you. Your time is precious, so spend it with people who have positive effects on you.”
Chris Voss Point: Life is short and tough, you dont need more people dragging you down. I’ve offered negative people the books, The Secret and Tony Robbins, if they wont work to change they never will. I think of them as pigs who sit all day in their little mud puddle complaining about how bad the mud puddle is, yet they stay in it cause deep down its comfortable and they love it. In business, I’ve found many times the never ending complainers usually ARE the problem. It can take years to change ones perspectives on life, keep moving on with your positive life, you cant save everybody.
Source: Lifehack.org
Thanks. That’s a very good point.
Thanks. That’s a very good point.
Thanks, @chrisvoss, valuable information.
Tips no. 7 (make sure there is a 3rd person there) is such a good pointer. I will be consciously using it from now on.
Personally, I prefer not to see a person as negative, but as a person trapped in ‘victim’ mode. I suspect we have all been there at some point – where the complexity and/or weight of the challenges in our life lead us to feel safer if we just succumb and blame others for it. Opportunities to find other people ‘wrong’, or bin others’ ideas as futile, are leapt on when we are in that state. People in that state need counselling to take ownership of their life, but a brief encounter with them requires briefer tactics. When someone makes a negative comment, I like to counter by inviting them into a positive comment. For example, with the friend bitching about his job, I ask “so what are you going to do about that?” Or someone putting another’s idea down, to say “you have a point, but do we have a better option?” In each case, the question I am asking is really about inviting them to take responsibility – which is what a ‘victim’ has ceased to do. The attraction of remaining a ‘victim’ is the comfort of knowing none of it is your fault. Asking them a question that requires them to take some ownership of what they are bitching about makes them uncomfortable, and that is the first step.
The situation i have to leave is like that and it’s my mother and family thats doing this to me and my kids. i am being drained as a mother and i like to leave things in the past but that’s never gonna happen here,so i have to move on with my kids to find the pursuit of happiness because right now were not happy at all. thank you for the tips.
Thank you that’s a great insightful comment!
Good article. I like that there was some focus on becoming more positive and not viewing the “negative person” so negatively yourself. That is a great point. It is important to look inward when dealing with others. I also really appreciate this article because I believe strongly in positivity and the power it can have in our relationships and on the world.
Negative employee equals bad virus
Chris, that was truly amazing!!!! Anyone can change no matter what their past consists of. The world if full over people overcoming challenges and also full of people who make excuses and are negatively minded. Thanks for those incredible tips.
Thank you that’s a great insightful comment!
I shared why I like this on Facebook – after spending more than half my life trying to “help” (aka judge/control) negative peops, I a) looked at and healed what they might be reflecting in MOI ie my NEGATIVE SHADOW SIDE b) made a pact with the Universe to be available as a mentor/coach to help those TRULY SEEKING TRANSFORMATION and the ability to shift from negative to positive by releasing stuck negative patterns embedded often from childhood programming.
There is scientific evidence that negativity punches above its weight in terms of impact. Positivity has to work much harder, ie 5:1 to counter negativity. There is a fantastic piece on this by Stanford Prof of Organisation Behavior, Bob Sutton on his Work Matters blog at http://bobsutton.typepad.com/my_weblog/2010/05/bad-is-stronger-than-good-the-5-to-1-rule.html
Good article.
This is very true. It is much easier for people to be negative then it is to be positive. That’s why negative things are more popular then positive, hence why 80% of the news focuses on negative aspects. We’re more drawn to that as a whole.
This truly is a great post. Though simply ignoring a negative comment, can actually result in far more negative comments. Because just the article mentioned to hang out in a group of 3 or more, negative people will jump on any topic without hesitation that they also happen to dislike. So basically, once they see that negative comment, they’ll jump on the chance to add to the negativity.
It’s far easier to implement these techniques laid out in the article if it’s in person, but it’s a far bigger beast online.
I am definitely the type of person that gets really angry when I see such ignorant and negative comments written about someone that I know is nothing like that or does not conduct their business in the way they speak of. It angers me to the point where I go on the defense without even thinking about what I’m going to say. I’ve had some lawyers direct me in the correct path of dealing with them now, though.
Sometimes, no matter what you do, you’ll never, ever be able to reason with a negative person. So biting your tongue and focusing on the positive, is definitely the approach to always take.
And you gotta ask yourself, who is this person’s negativity really reaching? A dozen people? So what? Let it go. 🙂
This is a really good post with good advice. Negativity, especially from people you love, is one of the hardest to recognize and get through. I started listening to the adivice of Dr. Charlie Smithdeal and have found his advice helpful. Dr. Smithdeal is providing advice on a free webinar Monday nights at 9pm EST. If you want to check it out, http://bit.ly/frtrain
This is a great post. Battling the daily negativity, especially from people we love, is a constant struggle. You always have to be on your toes and counter balance any negativity with something positive – asap. I’ve found the writings of Dr. Charlie Smithdeal to be very helpful. In fact, Dr. Smithdeal has a Monday evening free webinar series for the next few weeks on this subject. http://bit.ly/frtrain
Is this an oversimplification ? After all who decides what is negative or positive ? While there are folks who are clearly just negative good people can disagree and I’ve been in the company of many optimizes who have lost touch with reality . Would I be negative by pointing out the truth?
Your outline of dealing with social toxicity is eye-catching. Point number 6 is a good way to be proactive. Still, you bring out other suggestions like number 1 and 8 that help you to keep some form of peace of mind in dealing with social toxicity. Though it is a reality for many, it is a sad, sad, matter when it gets the point of number 9.
Thanks for the article.
James
Great post Chris! Very true! Amazing New Year to you Chris! Chip Esajian
Great Post Chris! Very true! Amazing New Year to YOU Chris!
Great article. Lots of really useful information on how to deal with negativity. Point 9 is also very important, for both friends and family – if they won’t change and you can’t help, then reduce or eliminate contact. Sometimes very hard to do, but a necessity to maintain your own sanity and equilibrium.
Great tips. Very helpful. There is also an excellent MP3 hypnosis recording and free action guide on “Dealing with Difficult People” at http://www.thehypnosisoasis.com.
‘Wicked’ good stuff, Chris. Thanks